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A couple of things happened this weekend that got me thinking. Firstly, I experienced fear. I was flying a beautiful Golden Eagle, Molly, shown here. It wasn’t because the owner told me not to touch her 'under any circumstances', and it wasn’t because they hunt wolves…. on their own, because I hadn’t found this fact out at this point. It wasn't because their grip is ten-times the strength of a man's, or because of their two-inch-long needle-sharp talons. It was because I was faced with something that not only just would, but also really wanted to kill me and eat me, and I felt genuine fear to be less than an arm’s length away from such power and intention. Just 30 seconds of staring into the eyes of this truly wild animal, eleven pounds of it sitting on my heavily protected hand, left me breathless and sweating. I will never forget the experience, and the exhilarating high of it. Secondly, I experienced my 16 year-old niece’s moment of abject fear. I was ready and willing to help, as no stranger to fear. However, this fear was something totally outside of my understanding; she was too frightened to turn up for her first day of work. So frightened in fact, that she didn’t actually make it, and was too scared to inform them beforehand. It was so alien to my belief system and core values, that all I could do was print out a quote for her to read through tearful eyes that said “Action Cures Fear”. I’m a great believer in this. To me it means that it’s ok to feel fear, life is damn scary at times, but do it anyway . Take the fear and use it to propel you forward. My poor niece just didn’t really get it because it was so much bigger than her, she didn’t have the coping strategies to work through it. I have faced ‘true’ fear a number of times, when a silverback gorilla rushed at me with ferocious power as I filmed him, and I only just held onto the contents of my bowels, despite the too-clear glass between us; When I drove for many hours to an area unknown to me and spent four hours practicing karate with equally highly-skilled and experienced people, but who had not been taught a safe sense of control, such that the risk of serious injury was very real; When I had to stand-up to face a formidable Japanese instructor, one of the best in the entire world, for a second two-hour session that day after being battered by him for the first two hours (I’ll never forget his voice booming “Where my partnaaaar?” and everyone else around me shrinking back away from me), I still have a ruptured solar plexus from that day. When I first felt the kick of a 0.5 inch Magnum handgun whose stock I could hardly get my hand around, and had forgotten to apply my ear plugs, in a small room leaving my ears ringing painfully for three days; When I had to cross a dangerous part of London in the small hours on my own at the age of 14 after my Dad had taught me a great lesson with the words “if you can get yourself there, you can get yourself back”. When an oncologist suspected I had Multiple Myeloma. When I had to wake my Mum and tell her that her husband of 50 years had just died. I had sympathy for my niece, but no empathy. I would not, simply could not, allow myself to be ‘stopped’ by my fear, and couldn’t imagine that happening. This was at least until I was reminded of my fear of dogs. Place me in a set of deserted farm buildings coupled with the sound of a large dog and my legs become utterly useless, the actual sight of a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler in that situation would render me absolutely incapable. This was a lesson for me in empathy, I have given it a lot of thought since. So how do you face your fear? First you have to recognise it as such. See it, feel it, and name it. Be cognisant that it IS fear, don’t mistake something that feels impossible for you, due to fear, to be actually impossible for you. I couldn’t drive my car to planet Venus; that's not about fear, it’s just not possible. Facing a dog or turning up for work is possible, even if made very difficult due to fear. You also might need to ‘fake it to make it’, acting unafraid is a path that leads to fearlessness. Each of us has our own fears, and we must learn to face them, especially if we risk holding our lives back, or living falsely. We must rise above and conquer our fears, or be defined by them. “Action Cures Fear” teaches us that a fear of failing is eradicated by trying and perhaps even succeeding, fear of the unknown is dissolved by research and discussion. How many things now seem 'business as usual' to us today, that used to scare us half to death? The old maxim ‘There is nothing to fear except fear itself’ comes to mind, otherwise we are bound and shackled, unable to function, and doomed to not fulfil ourselves, which is truly frightening! The Rosicrucian’s say “We must not let the things we cannot do, keep us from doing the things we can.” What is holding you back? Is it fear? Name it, own it, and action it! Rage against fear as much as against the ‘dying of the light’.

When one becomes a mystic, a seeker, a student of the occult (that which is hidden or occluded) it can be a beautiful time of fruitful self-discovery, it can also be sometimes frustrating, and fraught with impatience. Occasionally if one is facing this alone, and without guidance or knowledge, it can be a dark and frightening experience, even leading to mental illness in the most extreme cases. When Jesus says “Let him who seeks continue seeking until he finds.” This encourages us to be steadfast in our work to knowledge, to not sprint and then stall, but to take a sustained and steady path to the growth of knowledge. Next Jesus says “When he finds he will become troubled.” Were you troubled when you learned from your friends that the tooth fairy wasn’t real? Or that your parents / guardians bought you presents rather than Father Christmas and ate your cookies and mince pies pretending to be him? When we learn to open our awareness and consciousness, we discover that the world is not exactly as we had believed to that point, that we have been misled, or even downright lied to. We discover that our worlds, our abilities, our limits, our bodies, our thoughts and memories and even our history are not exactly what we believed. We discover that at least sometimes, corporations, pharmaceutical companies, religions and governments do not always have our best interests at heart, and that blindly following their doctrines and guidelines lead to illness and death, to war, poverty and disease. I certainly found this troubling myself. The next few words in this saying are perhaps slightly more difficult to interpret “When he becomes troubled, he will be astonished, and he will rule over the All." I personally find a lot of depth and knowledge in the quote from that well known mystic, Francis Bacon ”If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.” Effectively, if we accept for a time in our seekings that we don’t know anything anymore, everything is in doubt and effectively up for grabs, and that the world as we see it is completely fallen away and changed eternally, the possibilities will become astonishing! If we discard the belief that man is a machine and that spirit, vital life force and the soul does not exist, and start to believe that these things are possible, and with faith experiment and observe, the truth of life becomes truly astonishing. Once we have that gnosis, that knowledge of spiritual truths, we will have the love and gentle power to rule with compassion over all, we become one with God. To read the introduction of this blog, other interpretations in this series, and to find out more about the Nag Hammadi library, please visit the first blog in this series to be found here .

This book of the library begins with: These are the secret sayings which the living Jesus spoke, and which Didymos Judas Thomas wrote down. And he said, "Whoever finds the interpretation of these sayings will not experience death." ‘The sayings’ refer to the words said to be directly spoken by Jesus captured within the Thomas Gospel by Doubting Thomas himself. You can find a bit of history about the Nag Hammadi library, of which this book forms part, in a separate blog post here. I believe that there are two reasons that one with special knowledge might not taste death. Firstly, we have to examine the nature of death itself. Death is, it could be argued, an ending of the physical part of life, the ending of the physical organic body. Therefore, if you do not taste death, these words could be suggesting that if you are a near-infinite soul-being, and your mind and psyche fully embody this fact, the transition of the organic body is not truly a death, just a falling away of the physical manifestation of that lifetime. This would suggest that the soul-being does not die but continues on, and therefore those with Gnosis, do not truly die, just change state. Secondly, it could also be said that when one has fully come to the knowledge of eternal essence, and one’s karma has been fully ‘paid’ that no more lifetimes are necessary, therefore you will not taste death again following this current incarnation if you live the way that Jesus explains. This presupposes the spiritual law of karma that one exists with the purpose of repaying the karma of yourself, and any inherited karma from your ancestors, from previous lives, and sometimes of your tribe or people. And that once this karma is paid, that the soul-being can be considered to be ascended, and therefore be destined to come back to earth in a physical body, further repaying karma, unless this is an experience is sought out, by choice. Therefore, if one truly seeks to deeply understand, truly lives this Gnosis, this knowledge, then death will die for that soul-being. Quite a promise in the very first sentence of this! To read the introduction of this blog, other interpretations in this series, and to find out more about the Nag Hammadi library, please visit the first blog in this series to be found here .

The Gospel of Thomas is one of 52 treatises found as part of the so called ‘Nag Hammadi’ library. They were written in the Coptic language, in a set of leather bound codices. The Coptic language used is the final incarnation of the ancient Egyptian language, written mostly using the Greek alphabet. Buried in the 4th century CE by the Essenes, the amphora was lost for 16 centuries. The Essenses were a Judeo-Christian sect of the Gnostic religion, and they hid their books and documents to protect them before the final war with the Romans. The library was discovered accidentally in Nag Hammadi in Egypt by a group of peasants, three brothers and a couple of others, searching for natural fertilizer, in December 1945. They were found in an ancient amphora that was approximately 60cm high. One of the brothers broke it open with a hoe to see what it held, and due to some horrendous initial amateur handling, they were damaged more in the first few days than they were in the previous 1600 years. Some covers and pages were lost for ever, some left where they were found, and some were even used as kindling to light a fire! One brother tried to sell them for a £1 to buy cigarettes originally, many people rejected this offer, thinking it was a worthless old bible or some equally worthless monastery records. He eventually gave it away to various store holders for a few coins, and then swapped the last of the codices for a coat. Parts of the library later changed hands for prices up to £5,000. Ultimately a French scholar identified them as yet unknown ancient texts, and in 1948 they were released to the international community as such. They were finally united from places such as Zurich in 1975 as they were when under the earth, aside from those items lost forever of course! The reason I believe that have been internationally received with such enthusiasm, is because they offer an alternative to the books agreed to be contained within the Bible, some texts, would and have been, declared as heretical, I would argue because they contain such elements that suggest that the church is not a necessary organisation, that ‘the kingdom of God is within us’, ‘lift a stone and I will be there’. They read much more like actual spiritual guidance and knowledge than lessons or allegory or anything fear-based, and are more akin to the writings of Lao Tzu and other such Zen writings. 'Seek and ye shall find' type documents. Important note on this blog series For simplicity of explanation, I am writing the blogs as if Jesus were a man who definitely existed at the time of the New Testament of the Bible and his life and teachings are not allegorical, as may be the case, aligned with Dionysius or Osiris. Otherwise I might send myself mad with constant caveats and explanations in the blogs. The Logos I have used are the version Translated by Thomas O Lambdin which can easily be found across the internet. Meaning of the word ‘Logos’ (from https://www.britannica.com) “Logos, (Greek: “word,” “reason,” or “plan”) in Greek philosophy and theology, the divine reason implicit in the cosmos, ordering it and giving it form and meaning. Though the concept defined by the term logos is found in Greek, Indian, Egyptian, and Persian philosophical and theological systems, it became particularly significant in Christian writings and doctrines to describe or define the role of Jesus Christ as the principle of God active in the creation and the continuous structuring of the cosmos and in revealing the divine plan of salvation to man. It thus underlies the basic Christian doctrine of the pre-existence of Jesus.”

I have had issues with stress for a few years now due to what feels to me to be a very responsible job with a lot of pressure; However with exercise, a reasonable diet, QiGong etc etc I have done really well with it. Over the last few months however, a number of things have had to be dealt with at once, and I slipped into issues that have recently brought physical symptoms. These were mainly, extreme fatigue all day long, a very heavy feeling, bloating, and worst of all a depressive feeling (as I suppressed fear and worry which tends to have the effect of suppressing other emotions too [so don't do it!]). I realised I wasn't really happy anymore and started to feel anger, something I haven't felt for many years, which was of course targeted at the people I love most. So I took myself off went to my local Traditional Chinese Medicine centre. Here the doctor enquired as to my symptoms took my radial pulse with three of her fingers on each of my wrists to assess my Qi flow and looked at my tongue (tongue not pictured :) ) From that she deduced that my liver and my spleen meridians had become imbalanced due to a prolonged period of stress for which the human body does not have efficient coping mechanisms (see tiger, run very fast, eaten or escape, either way stress over pretty quickly!). This Chinese concept of the Liver (with the capital "L") is closely linked to the nervous system, the Romans used to think that the liver was the centre of emotions and used to draw livers instead of hearts for their lovers (livers?). The nervous system is critical when it comes to the proper workings of the digestion. It has been recently noted by the practitioners in the burgeoning Western medical field of gastro-neurology, that there are actually more neural connections made in the digestive system than there are in the brain. Because in stress the nervous system is 'stressed' and because the nervous system is designed to respond to danger, stressors in our lives will constantly be exciting our nerves. We are more in need of blood in our legs than our digestive system is when we are being chased by a tiger, therefore the blood supply to the digestion is significantly reduced; When we are behind a desk, this can result in prolonged periods of these nervous system responses. Rather than use herbal medicine, which had been very effective in the past, the doctor suggested acupuncture to get things moving quickly. I eagerly agreed! We went to a brightly lit room where I bared my feet and lower legs as instructed and waited. The doctor opened the sterile hair-wide needles and pushed them shallowly into my skin. They were situated one in the top of my head (Lung 20),one in each hand at the lower abdomen point, two in each of my lower legs (Spleen6 and Gall Bladder 34) and one in each of my feet (Stomach 45). These together are general wellness points for the whole body. I know about these from a study of karate where striking them was studied to create imbalance. I felt only a light pressure when they entered, except for the one in the top of my head and those in my hands, which I did not feel at all. At first there was little change, I am aware of a faint light emanating from my body when the lights are dim, and this varies but is typically green-based. The next sensation I was aware of was after around 15 minutes, this was a very light popping in my physical spleen area (just under the left side of the rib cage at the front), as if tiny fingers were tapping gently inside of me. From there my legs started a series of poppings from my knees down to the soles of my feet. I was aware of an increasingly strengthening cool breeze all around the front of my whole body, which is how I feel free-flowing energy around us, which began circulating easily and also moved to my back. From this point, my legs continued to pop gently in a downwards motion. then it felt as if an object the width of a nail were being pushed down the inside of my legs from the knee. This sounds gruesome but it was very soft and yielding and my flesh moved aside to accommodate it (this feels like kundalini rising but much smaller and in the other direction!). When this had reached my feet, my whole lower body was and then filled with the most beautiful internal warmth and I could feel the Qi start to flow evenly around my whole body, warming it as it flowed. From the popping to the internal warmth, this took no more than a couple of minutes, which I bathed in for a further ten minutes or so. My light also heightened it's vibration to a purple violet. Immediately after the needles were removed, I found it difficult to get up off the bed as I was so relaxed. When I did manage it, I felt very calm, very centered and very light. The feeling of fatigue was completely lifted I am pleased to report. The doctor was very surprised when I explained what I had felt and she said I must be very sensitive to feel this at all, let alone the first time, which I guess still continues to surprise me every day in all the ways it manifests :) When I left the centre, the light was blinding and I was very surprised to be able to see for miles! Everything seemed seriously sharp, and that would be a word I would use to explain how I feel now, light, and sharp. My ability to feel energy movements has intensified to the levels it was at a year ago. It is now the evening of the next day, and this feeling has remained. I shall blog again in a week or two to capture how this feeling has fluctuated. If in doubt, try it out! I thoroughly recommend it!!

I used to be very driven and ambitious in my life, until I lived that saying "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" many years ago when my wife of the time (mother to my two youngest boys) said that she wanted to divorce me. That was one loss, but to stop being an everyday-father to my two fantastic kids (aged 5 and 9 at the time) and to have to give up my home to go back to having absolutely nothing was totally devastating and made me re-evaluate everything in my life. However, now having found my spiritual self (maybe another blog post for the future) and being very laid back about most things, I still really do find that thinking about what I would like to achieve 'next' year and planning out some areas of things to focus on, and then a few items within those areas to give them shape is immensely useful. Fate needs a little guidance sometimes! Here is an extract of the goals that I put together early this year to show what I mean: Time off Have at least three weeks off plus Christmas for family Esoteric Complete Life Coaching Diploma course Re-join AMORC (Ancient and Mystical Order Rosae Crucis) Keep up regular QiGong / Meditation I tend to look at them once a month or so and re-evaluate them to see if I still want to do them (don't be a slave to outdated goals!) and to see what I might need to be doing now, to ensure I am going to achieve them. I find the biggest cause of depression in people I know is "I am not leading the life I want to lead (that's aligned to our values)" or "there's so much I want to do but I can't afford it, or its not quite the right time" I say, just do it! When you are trying to lead the life you truly want to, things start to fall into place, and how often do you find people who are really excellent at what they do who hate doing it? Not very often I would suggest. How often do you find people who inspire and enthuse you because they are doing what they love? Not as often as we'd like, but enough to remind us it is possible and worthwhile. Whatever tools you use, whether it is goals or other things, at least be sure what you want to do and let the universe know through the building of mental imagery! Set the direction. I'll add info about manifestation techniques to help set the scene for making things happen, but why not work out what you want to manifest and kick it off. If you don't have the life you want, change it to one you do.

I experienced a flowing river today. A movement of water on its long journey towards the sea. I saw it sparkling as the sun glinted off its shifting form, I heard its quiet protestations as it negotiated rocks and pebbles and plants, I felt its coolness as it carried away the warmth from my bare toes as I dangled them carelessly in its way. I smelt its freshness mixing with the fragrant grass pressed flat beneath me and the heady fragrance of some nearby lavender. I became aware of its quiet acceptance of the journey that was laid out before it, seeking the lowest point possible and quite literally going with the flow. I felt its connection with the rest of the water travelling its way around the world, and realised suddenly that although part of the water was moving past my position along its journey, its ‘whole’ existed everywhere. The water that had flowed past me, was no different from, and was even in the same place as the water that had not yet reached me. It simply provided me with a singular perception of movement only, whereas in fact all of the water existed in all of its locations all at the same time. It was then revealed to me that this was the case with time. Time gives us an impression of movement, whereas in reality it exists continuously at all points, and so only our perception of it changes. It can run fast during times of excitement and it can move slowly during periods of restless inactivity. It can also be perceived greatly differently during sleep, or during meditation. It was at this point that it became clear to me that I too must be like both water and time. My life, in this moment, gives an impression of transience. I no more die than water flowing away into the distance beyond my perception ceases to exist. I merely experience a transition; from spring, to trickle through the earth, to tributary, to river, and on to the sea. Then do I begin a subtly different journey, transformed into a less dense form in the heavens, before returning to the earth again. I remember being taught at school that water can no longer be created or destroyed; it merely undergoes a transition into another form, such as steam or ice. It is only the time that it spends in this state that is variable. But if the passing of time is just an illusion… then it is again just part of the body of water in the only moment that truly exists. Then as for myself; I must be part of that which has always existed and can not be destroyed. My current existence must be a part of the ever present, ever existing whole that is only as it is now as part of a temporary illusion. As my consciousness was heightened alongside that river, I realise that all life on Earth is also as much a part of me as I am of it. Inseparable. Literally an indivisible individual. My walk home was short, as I realised I could never be anywhere else than at home with my family in this world where I live with my fellow brothers and sisters.